We Came, We Saw, We Gnarred

Feel the Rhythm! Feel the Rhyme! Get back up, it's snowboard time!

For more than a couple of reasons, this was my mantra this past weekend as I attempted to tap into my inner Shaun White and shred the fresh pow pow. I spent the weekend at a house up in Killington, Vermont with my sister, her fiancé, and some of his friends from college. Last year, they suggested I try snowboarding, and I was like, "well, I used to pretend I could surf, so snowboarding can't be too much different, right?" I soon learned that it is a lot different than just floating on your board with wave after wave passing, while you "wait" for the perfect one to ride into the sunset. Instead, snowboarding is basically controlled falling down an icy mountain. At least for me it was for me. With tumble after tumble, I created a list of how to master your way through your weekend on the slopes. Instead of narrating my experience of trying to learn how to ride the gnar, I figured I'd take this as an opportunity to teach y'all how to survive. So, if you've always wanted to take your chances on the mountain, follow these four rules as if your life depends on it (because it most likely does).

1. Bring Pain Killers. 

They can be Tylenol, Advil, Aleve, Morphine, an ancient tribal ritual, really anything. You will be in pain. The fun part about snowboarding  and skiing pain is that it comes in many different forms! For example, my pain is from flipping town the mountain like a tumbleweed rolling through an old western movie. But my sister, on the other hand, has throbbing legs from squatting like she's on the toilet for 6 straight hours while skiing. The skiing position is just not natural. You might also need some relief from running into trees. The first time I went snowboarding, I was shocked at how close the trees were to the trails. It's like the trail architect just wants to watch people crash into tree after tree. I bet he built himself a private hut on the top of the mountain with a NASA-grade telescope, so he can sit back and watch his own personal comedy show. I'm yet to actually see anyone hit a tree, but I know it happens thousands of times a day. No doubt.  

2. Avoid Ice

I know some of you West Coasters might not know what snow machines are, but this past year sure has been a dry one, leaving resorts wishing they had Elsa on hand to make feet after feet of fresh snow. Unfortunately, they're not so lucky. This left Killington with patches of ice, acting like black holes by sucking in anyone who dared to cross their path. Most skiers have the whereabouts to simply tap the breaks and avoid the danger zone. But all of us are not so lucky. Some of us zig when we want to zag, only to come to a similar fate as the Titanic: fatally side swiping the frozen water and sinking to our own frozen abyss. Part of me did feel like Jack Dawson, too. After wiping out on the ice, I'd be flat on my butt slipping down the entire mountain and grasping onto anything to keep me afloat. After around 20 yards or so of sliding, I'd eventually ground myself, check to see if I was in one piece, and then repeat the process.

3. Take the Gondolas

This could be one of my most important tips, as it's a great way to avoid both #1 and #2, since gondolas are a great way to keep clear of the ski lift death traps. Seriously, though, who thought it was a good idea to take 4 people and throw them onto a slippery slope all at once? Probably the same "genius" who put the trails so close to the trees. I'd really like to blindfold this man and test his luck flying down the mountain with no sight. But the joke is that he'd probably still do better than me. Either way, gondolas are like hitching a ride with an angel of God and being gently placed on the top of the mountain. Quite convenient, eh? You're in one piece and feel a higher spiritual level. There's no comparison in taking the gondola stairway to heaven than taking the lifts, where you can fall off at any moment. Just think about it, gondolas make me think of being in a romantic vessel traveling through the glistening waters of Venice while an Italian man serenades us with his angelic voice. Listen to me here... the only thing ski lifts have going for them are the ski lift operators. They graciously stop the death machines when you face plant in the snow because you were thrown off your seat. Real heroes in life, you know.

If you're scared to ever place another foot in a ski or snowboard binding, don't listen to me. I'm simply being dramatic, as I'm still sore from this past weekend. But if you still really, really don't want to hit the slopes, this next tip is perfect for you!

4. Put on a Cast and Sit at the Bar

My grandpa is a genius in many ways, but this tip is what really sets him apart from the rest. He used to explain that after a while, he got tired of skiing and risking his life. So like any sane man, he decided to put on a fake cast, create a great story, and go make friends at the bar. This is quite the foolproof plan, as you stay warm and get to enjoy a few nice cocktails with the view of people wiping out on the ski trails. All you need is a great story! It can be anything from hitting your top speed and running into a tree or trying out Shaun White's Double McTwist 1260 but you got hit by a rogue elk on your landing. Just know, the better the story, the more sympathy you'll get, which will lead to more free drinks! Seems like a win, win to me.

All in all, if you follow these four tidbits of advice, you'll be survive! With some practice, you'll be up on the Olympic platform, receiving your gold medal, while The Star Spangled Banner blasts through the speakers and Old Glory is raised above your head.